Bye bye Therapist

I love Stir of Echoes. I dunno though, a lot of girls (and gay guys-Will and Jack from Will and Grace for example) think Kevin Bacon is hot.I think he's creepy and corpsy looking.He just doesn't do it for me.Then again, I think Sean Penn's weird looking ass is hot though...So there's no accounting for taste here. However, anyone with the last name BACON is ok in my book...Mmmmm bacon.
It's fucking amazing out. I wish I didn't sleep so late.It'll be a nice driving day though.I'm going down to see my grandfather in about an hour.It's like 70 degrees, sunny and breezy.This is southern california weather!
So yesterday was my last day with my therapist.It was so sad.She got her doctorates and got a job in one of the oranges at some hospital working with women who were in the military and were raped...in patients....So that's awesome for her, but I miss her so much already.She changed my life. Ya know, she'll say I did it and blah blah blah..but I could never be where I am now, if it wasn't for her help. It was horrible having to leave her. :-(
Is the Bourne Identity a good movie?I never watched it because Matt Damon makes my skin crawl...But I always hear people talking about it...should I deal with my intense hatred for him and suck it up? Does Matt Damon make anyone else think of eyebrow dandruff and spit that forms on the side of your mouth in gross white spittle balls?That's what I think of when I see him.
Guess I should go take a shower.

At a loss

I'm in a really argumentative mood.I even picked a fight with someone on craigslist.This woman posted this girls email address, telling everyone not to trust her as a nanny because she failed to show up for a scheduled interview. Whether or not this woman was wrong or right by defaming this girl on a public forum, I went in for the kill.Afterall, the greatest debator/arguer wins even when they're wrong, as my dad always says. So yah, we've been going back and forth in emails. I wish she'd hurry up and reply. Hah. I'm such a fucking loser.

I'm going back to school, but I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm researching all different kinds of things, trying to pinpoint what would be good for me. There are so many different things...social work, therapist, anything involving research, something involving children, writing..Like I don't know where to start. I really don't. I feel I'd be most content doing something that involves caring for others, but I also want to be able to do something that involves the constant "quest for knowledge." Dude, I wish I went away to college. I wish my parents forced me to do it.Now I'm 2 months shy of 26, with no direction, going back to community college. I know I have the potential to do awesome things (sorry, not to toot my own horn, but it's true)...I just don't what and I don't know where and how to begin....Oy. I'm so fucking discouraged and STUCK!!!!!!!!I just know I can't continue on being mediocre and living a mediocre life. Something has to change. Well, EVERYTHING has to change.

Beauty

Artist unknown

Sometimes you see a picture.

It may be ordinary.

It may be extraordinary.

It may spark something unknown, deep inside your gut.

All you know is, you're moved.

Moved by beauty or mystery,

Scandal or horror,

Or a combination of everything and nothing at all.

I'm a stupid woman.

I'm so good at making NOTHING into an issue.
I have to start thinking like a man and less like an overly emotional female.
I overthink everything.

Shit, I hate the month of August

I think I had a dream that Johnny Cash took me on a date to Tennessee.I dunno. I don't even know WHERE in Tennessee...just that it was to take place there. Ask me to point out Tennessee on an unlabeled map, and I'd probably have a better chance at inadvertendly drooling on its location than actually pointing it out due to my vast geographical knowledge of our 50 states. Typical American I am. Anyway, back to the dream...I barely remember it.I just know it was old Johnny Cash, not young.
Someone just sent me a message expressing surprise about how different I look now from how I did back in Middle School, 10 years ago.I was an ugly duckling.Or an awkward duckling who sported the latest and most fashionable "GRUNGE" attire. It wasn't pretty. I looked dirty and probably acted really creepy. Do I regret it?Not at all. Afterall, it was that coming of age era that led to my absolute love for music. With a true love for music, usually comes the need to fit into a certain social group or scene related to that particular subculture, at least when you're young and impressionable. I was cool and typical, all at once.
Dylan finally fell asleep. 10fricken30.Which means she won't sleep this afternoon.Lame!
I have to decide, soon, if I am moving out of state within the next 8-10 months, or if I should wait 2-3 years, go back to school and get a better paying nanny job in the meantime...I want out of Jersey SO bad, but going back to school and getting some sort of degree to better my situation seems like the SMART move...sometimes smart moves are overrated and boring though. I have no idea what to do. Adult decisions suck. I wish I was a kid again.
As I stated yesterday, this past weekend was nonstop. Despite the great sleep I got last night, I am still mentally and physically exhausted. I need a vacation.Speaking of which, I was in San Diego at this time (to the date, not the day) last month :-(I miss San Diego and I miss Vinny :-(
Oy vey.

On depression:

I've had a bad, BAD week...and I haven't been sleeping well...even with my trazedone (which could put a moose to sleep in under 2 minutes)...
I was late to work 3 out of my 4 days..and one of those days, I was an hour and a half late...
It sucked...it's the worst feeling when you wake up late..that moment of panic.
But today, on my day off, I wake up at 4AM...groggy as hell, but still wide awake.
What the hell...

I've been chain smoking the past 2 weeks...I've been a smoker for a long time (14 years now) but I was never a heavy smoker...in fact, for the last 2 years I've been a social smoker...only when I drink, not even smoking one pack a week...
It started when I took Wellbutrin...not for the purpose of quitting, but combined with another antidepressant I was taking...if any of you want to quit, take Wellbutrin. It works! I should probably start taking it again...

On a more positive note, despite the shitty week (week and a half) I've had, I'm doing ok. If this would have been 6 months ago, I would be a mess....not able to get out of bed.
I suffered from pretty bad depression for 7 years now...In and out of therapy, on and off different types of meds...In October, I finally found a form of therapy that worked for me...We focused more on cognitive rehabilitation as opposed to just doping me up on meds...I still take an antidepressant, but it's only the "icing on the cake." Therapy is what got me BETTER, for lack of a better word. I think they say depression is like alcoholism...you're never CURED per se, but you can go the rest of your life without dealing with it if you take care of yourself...So yah...I'm all better. It's an amazing fucking feeling...I couldn't even see as far as the next day when I was depressed, nevermind my future...I was in pretty dire straits. I feel like a new person, and for the first time in 7 years, I know I'll be ok AND happy.
I won't lie...it was hard..painful and at times felt impossible...but it can be done, as long as you want to do it. I refused to stay in that black hole I existed in for so long...I knew only I could help myself...no one else, despite their best efforts, could pull me out. You have to do it for you...if you've suffered from depression, you understand how much easier that is said than done...a lot of people deal with it for their whole lives, because it's easier that way...you begin to take comfort in your numbness...as hard as it is, it's safe..it gives you an excuse to lay stagnant. It has nothing to do with a weakness of character, which is one of the first things people will accuse you of...people who have never been through it, are quick to judge you. They can't fathom depression. I guess I don't blame them...but for so long, I allowed peoples' judgements to stifle me...I manifested their cynicism into my own, and resigned myself to the idea that I was just a fuck up, feeling sorry for myself and I could never change. That is until I met my new therapist, my current therapist. Like I said, it was in October of 2006. The day before my birthday...I was like the walking dead...I went in there in such bad shape...My father was the one who actually forced me to do it...I couldn't hold any jobs the whole previous 2 years...I couldn't get out of bed, and if I did, it was to go out and binge drink or shop...I was miserable to be around..I could suck the energy out of any room without even having to say a word. Just my presence alone was exhausting. So I went to Jersey Shore, and after a month, I began to see a little bit of light at the end of my hole (I could have said tunnel, but I looked at my life as a dark, black hole)...I decided that I couldn't live like that anymore and began to fight...by February/March, I had climbed almost completely out. And now....like I said, it's an amazing feeling...I can't describe it to someone who's never experienced the before and after of depression...some of you know what I am saying..some of you don't know, YET....but if you fight for yourself, for your happiness and your LIFE, you can own it too. I know it's hard...and like I said earlier, painful at times...but it's worth it.
I promise you that.
It's SO worth it.

To all you cheating pieces of shit:

if i know you have a girlfriend, why would you ask me out on a date?
where do you people come from?
why bother having a fucking girlfriend or boyfriend if all you're gonna do is cheat on them every chance you get.
Ugh. I know this one person (who of course will remain nameless) who has probably cheated on their significant other hundreds of times....and as far as I know, this person has a history of doing this in ALL of their relationships.
I just wanna shake them and say, "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?"
Especially another human being that you claim to love and care about....what gives you the right?
I have no tolerance for that.
And there is no excuse for it.
I could cry for people who get cheated on.
And I could kill the cocky motherfuckers who get away with it time and time again.
I hope all you habitual cheaters die alone, sad and bitter...

Dear You,

I am crushed. But there is this odd sense of relief that has come over me. I know now, for sure, where everything stands with us...with you.
I don't care if you read this. I don't care if you know how angry I am. I have been betrayed and made to look the fool. You hurt me in a way no one has ever managed to before. You took me at my most vulnerable and manipulated me and the situation we were in together, to fit your needs...your needs only for a moment. And you have allowed yourself to do this with a clear conscience for one reason- because you have been predisposed the asshole. You have given yourself permission to be irresponsible, careless and heartless, simply because you have pegged this as your lot in life.
I don't buy it. Not for one second.
And I hope you don't ever do this to anyone else, ever again.

Unfortunately though, I suspect you will.


I love you...but god, I hate you so much. I'm not sure which emotion is stronger.

before bed

Holy shit, I'm a sloppy emotional mess.
It's ridiculous how things can go from amazing to horrible in a matter of days.
Minutes even I guess.
Everything is kind of crashing down around me...
I mean, I'll be fine and I am fully capable of picking up the pieces (which couldn't necessarily hold true even 6 months ago when I was pretty depressed), but fuck...It's been awhile since I've felt this way. It really sucks and I don't miss it!

I wish I didn't rely as heavily on my dad's support as I do....I'm so lucky to have an amazing father like him, who does support me, and I almost feel foolish complaining about it, but on the flip side it really holds me back sometimes. He wants what's best for me....but his reality is so completely different from mine, that it sometimes holds me back. I have to learn to do things for me...and not just for him. I feel I've been a huge failure in his eyes, and it really discourages me. I can't let that become my excuse NOT to do all the things I want to do though. If you live according to these TRUTHS (i.e. excuses) you've created, you'll never grow or take responsibility for your actions. If I settle with the idea that I am a failure and will ALWAYS be a failure, that's exactly what I WILL be...
It's time to do me.

I want to start writing again. I stopped completely, even in my own personal journals. Sometimes I get too scared to tap into what lies beneath my surface...it's easier to avoid it...but in the long run, it's better to confront it. So many peoples' biggest fears are themselves and their inner thoughts...the things they're ashamed of...things they're proud of...and the things they aren't "SUPPOSED" to be feeling and thinking...as trite as it is, "IGNORANCE REALLY IS BLISS." But on the other hand, you're missing out on truly knowing yourself...the good AND the bad. Obviously no one is perfect...far from it...but it's been drilled into our subconciouses that we have to be damn near close to it. That's a lot of pressure that we don't even know is there. We try to live up to the impossible, instead of focusing on the tangible...that's what knocks us off course.
They say we're only human...but who defines ONLY HUMAN?
Only you can really...
It's such an individual thing.

I'm just happy to be who I am right now...and I haven't been able to say that in at least 6 years....

two thousand miles away

I miss the softer edges and roads that stretched only as far as the mountains beyond, a horizon that defies the straight line I know so well here. Swells to the west remind me of rolling velvet, hissing and spraying songs of happiness and hope, even as the sky darkens in expectation to the northeast. Shielding my eyes from the lowering sun expands my vision instead of cutting it in half, jagged and harsh. Everything in this unfamiliar world is cushioned in rose tones and the faint, intermingling smells of purity and salt water. The strong brininess from home only lingers in essence here, and the breeze it travels in on seems to dance across my skin, reminding me that this is not a dream afterall. I'm not sure how I can ever leave this place, knowing what I know, seeing what I have seen and feeling this way, with you by my side.

Last week at this time...

I was so happy.
Getting off a plane in San Diego.
I was all excited and giddy.

I wish it was last week :-(

The CROCS Phenonemon

I hate it.
I don't understand it.
And I wish it would go away.
I'm not opposed to "fashion fads."
I'm no longer an angst-ridden, pseudo-rebellious teenager who hates anything TRENDY.
I have nothing to prove in that department. No weakened and flawed sense of self or indivuality. I buy into a lot of trends and I follow certain fads. However, much like UGGS, these CROCS need to go.



What is the attraction? Are they comfortable? If so, do you really NEED to be THAT comfortable?

Setting myself up for abuse...

On myspace, some people think it's ok to insult how I look. I'm not gonna say I take it personally, but I do question WHY someone would attack someone like that. I'm no saint. I have my MOMENTS OF MEANNESS, where I will make fun of someone...but I don't do it to their face and it's not intended to hurt their feelings. If anything, it's my own weaknesses and insecurities manifested into shit talking behind someone's back. It's harmless and not at all malicious. It's human nature, really. I don't think I'd ever tell someone, unprovoked, that they're ugly or point out physical shortcomings they may have. I don't see any reason for that.
However, I apparently deserve it because of the pictures I post, which suggest that I think I'm VERY hot? APPARENTLY, certain cyber-vigilantes have taken it upon themselves to put me in my place, making sure I KNOW that I am NOT that hot at all, hardly even MEDIOCRE. They have made it their mission to point out that I have a big nose, no boobs and am too skinny, among other things. I need to be straightened out...snapped backed into reality, assuming I was ever there to begin with...and they are just the people to do it. They pride themselves on their "brutal honesty" and refusal to beat around the bush when it comes to such important matters as a complete stranger's appearance. They've really taken an important stand. I applaud them, as should you.
The problem is though, I have never, EVER EVER EVER, not even ONCE IN MY 25 YEARS, called myself hot. Honestly.
I DON'T think I am particularly hot. Just like everyone else, I pick apart my flaws like it's nobody's business. I compare myself EVERY SINGLE DAY to beautiful, airbrushed supermodels and unfortunately, I am extremely insecure when it comes to my appearance. It's a good thing that I am aware of what a fucking awesome person I am on the INSIDE, otherwise I'd probably hate myself completel, hahahah. ;-)

You could argue though, that making jabs at someone's intelligence (or lack thereof) is no better than picking on someone's appearance...and I HAVE been known to get a little snobby when it comes to "DULLARDS" and "COMMON FOLK."
Perhaps I am just being extremely hypocritical....
Hmmmmmm :-)

Welcome

Yah, I decided I should probably start blogging in a place where people specifically come to read things of this nature...like the title suggests, mundane ramblings. Hey, some of you enjoy it. Not exactly sure why, but you do. However, bulletins on myspace tend to piss certain individuals off...apparently I have held a gun to their heads and forced them to open up my posts and sit through the torturous words that make up my daily life. I'm sorry for having to use such force. I am now saving you the trouble of that proverbial hostage-type situation. I am doing everyone a favor here.

We'll see how long this lasts. I've had a few different blogs through different blogging sites, and much like written journals I keep, they never last long.
I love starting fresh...Hopefully I'll maintain some sort of regularity and consistency with this one though.