before bed

Holy shit, I'm a sloppy emotional mess.
It's ridiculous how things can go from amazing to horrible in a matter of days.
Minutes even I guess.
Everything is kind of crashing down around me...
I mean, I'll be fine and I am fully capable of picking up the pieces (which couldn't necessarily hold true even 6 months ago when I was pretty depressed), but fuck...It's been awhile since I've felt this way. It really sucks and I don't miss it!

I wish I didn't rely as heavily on my dad's support as I do....I'm so lucky to have an amazing father like him, who does support me, and I almost feel foolish complaining about it, but on the flip side it really holds me back sometimes. He wants what's best for me....but his reality is so completely different from mine, that it sometimes holds me back. I have to learn to do things for me...and not just for him. I feel I've been a huge failure in his eyes, and it really discourages me. I can't let that become my excuse NOT to do all the things I want to do though. If you live according to these TRUTHS (i.e. excuses) you've created, you'll never grow or take responsibility for your actions. If I settle with the idea that I am a failure and will ALWAYS be a failure, that's exactly what I WILL be...
It's time to do me.

I want to start writing again. I stopped completely, even in my own personal journals. Sometimes I get too scared to tap into what lies beneath my surface...it's easier to avoid it...but in the long run, it's better to confront it. So many peoples' biggest fears are themselves and their inner thoughts...the things they're ashamed of...things they're proud of...and the things they aren't "SUPPOSED" to be feeling and thinking...as trite as it is, "IGNORANCE REALLY IS BLISS." But on the other hand, you're missing out on truly knowing yourself...the good AND the bad. Obviously no one is perfect...far from it...but it's been drilled into our subconciouses that we have to be damn near close to it. That's a lot of pressure that we don't even know is there. We try to live up to the impossible, instead of focusing on the tangible...that's what knocks us off course.
They say we're only human...but who defines ONLY HUMAN?
Only you can really...
It's such an individual thing.

I'm just happy to be who I am right now...and I haven't been able to say that in at least 6 years....